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Monday, November 29, 2004

outside of myself

I've come to realize that I need to stop posting expecting people to comment on it. Or even read it. I need to just post to vent, to get the thoughts outside of me. The way this blog used to be. I felt disappointed in the fact that nobody reads/comments, when I realized that I actually was disappointed in myself. I don't feel the drive/desire to write anymore. Wait, actually, I do feel the desire to write, but I always feel that when I write it doesn't turn out to be what I want it to be. So I figure what's the point of writing, if it's not what I want to say? I silence myself because I can't formulate my thoughts. Everything comes out disjointed, or boring.
I blame college. In highschool I was always writing, I would write just for the fun of writing. I wrote just to write. I loved to write essays. I loved expressing my opinions in writing, because I can certainly write better than I can talk.
Now... now I write because I have to. I'm having a rough time trying to have fun when my topics consist of things I'm not interested in... like my next American Cultures Essay. 6-8 pages on "comparing the ideal vision of society found in the Revolutionary era to that during the 1850s. What ideals remain the same and what shifts have taken place?" How do you get excited about that?? Unless you're a history major and know what you're talking about, it's rather difficult to write.
And I have less time to write fun things now. The tons of essays and writings I'm assigned are just too overwhelming that it takes everything I have in me to get through those, let alone write anything for me.
Hopefully over Christmas vacation (a month off!) I'll get back what I lost. I want it back. I need it back. It gave me peace.

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