that was then

I don't remember thinking half as much when I was little. I don't remember ever feeling a negative thought at all between the ages of 1-6. I just mustn't have been aware of what was going on around me, although I find that hard to believe since I was always hanging out with the grown ups and I'm told I was a very observant child. So, how did I manage to avoid stressing out about things? I must have knew about them. Did I just not see the importance that certain events had? That must be it. I was too young to know better.
I wish I could go back to then. Claim ignorance as an excuse for hiding. For not thinking things through. I wish I could go back to just not realizing the effects different things have on my life, family, the world. I didn't always think so much. And life was so much easier then.

I don't know why it still bothers me that I think. I should be able to handle this 'growing up' business. Most people do. They deal with their problems and move on. And I'm not like this in 'real life'. Sure, I get upset and I get happy. I feel normal most of the time. It's just that when it comes to writing in here while I'm alone, laying on my bed in the dark, I feel like I have no choice but to be honest here and show how I'm really feeling. And inside I feel pretty crappy. I think I should see a shrink. And no, that's not going to happen, cause I would feel way too guilty telling things, 'family secrets' I guess they are, and would never be able to. And they'd just blame my dad, like when my brother went to see a shrink, when I think the problem lays in me and not any other source. I SHOULD be able to get over all of this. It's in the past.

It is in the past. Dad is working his butt off, he's at work more than he's home. And he's doing it for us. He comes home tired, achy, and all to start again at some insane hour the next morning, so we can pay our bills. Except right now things are slow and he's even working harder than ever. And the bills still aren't getting paid. And we're not 100% sure what's going to happen with him going to jail or not (because of the alleged DUI from 3 years ago). And tension is high.

I just want things to be normal. I want my dad to be able to rest without drinking. I want my mom's health to be ok. I want to be able to not think. I want to go to college and not feel guilty that I like it there. Why is that too much to ask?