i'm sitting here, wishing for someone to talk to. an elusive somebody. even i don't know who they are. i want someone real, not online. the only problem is, any chance i had for any real interaction with people outside of my family, i turned down yesterday. at work last night i was asked my phone number by one (very old) guy, and another guy (closer to my age) asked me if i had a boyfriend and when i said no without looking at him he said 'and you're not interested either are you..?' and no, i wasn't, although i told him it was because i have no time for guys right now. which is true, in a way, i am a very busy person as of late, but i think if there were any sort of spark i'd make the time. i just haven't felt that yet... and no matter what i say to people, i think i want to. i'd like to feel cherished. i just haven't found the right guy yet. and sometimes i don't want to find him... and then sometimes i'd love to have someone be there for me, to laugh with me, to make each other happy, to make me cry (love isn't always happy), to lust after me (horrible sounding i know, but there's nothing that makes one feel better than knowing someone wants you, that you're beautiful/amazing etc), to hug me, to cuddle with me, to kiss me, to remind me i'm not alone, ... i don't always feel like i matter. i mean of course i matter to my family and a few online friends, but other than that? it'd be nice to know that if/when i die i had some sort of spot in someone's heart, even if it was just a casual 'relationship'... it'd be nice to know that for even just a moment in time, i mattered to someone.

this post was inspired by turning down the guy yesterday, the nice guy- not the old one who just wanted my phone number (50 at least he had a daughter older than me that yelled at him when he asked and kept going on about how i wouldn't give him my phone number to his 5year old grandchildren). it was also inspired by my feelings lately, reflections and stuff. and the 3 romance books i got today, one of which i've read completely this afternoon, and the dove bodywash/shampoo/deodorant i used in/after my bath. my grandma got it for me for christmas, and i must just say i smell delicious. and so yea, all of that stuff combined made me blog this. it took an hour to blog this, partly because i haven't yet sorted my thoughts out yet, and partly due to the fact that i had to have another website up to read because my mom was at her desk behind me and kept turning to see what i was reading/typing and i don't really want her, or maybe even anyone especially family, to read this.

i don't know if any of this made sense, to anyone, or myself. but i'm bored/restless and lonely.