sometimes 2

I cut myself today. While shaving. And it wasn't on purpose but... for a minute, it felt good. It felt good because the pain distracted me from my earlier thoughts. I'd been thinking about what happened. Wondering if I was really just over reacting to a drunk. He was drunk. I knew he was drunk. I knew he was drunk before he said it, during, and after. And I still let it hurt me. It hurt so much. Even though he was drunk. Does he think that way when he's sober?? Dad said if he ever says anything close to it sober and I get hurt from it he'll punch him. So if he says it he'll get in trouble. But does he think it?? It makes me wonder now. And I cry because I didn't used to have to wonder, I used to just trust that he wasn't thinking that way about me. A girl he's known since I was 5. A family friend. I TRUSTED him. And he let me down. And it hurts so much. And I hate myself for letting myself hurt. I should just bury it somewhere in the back of my mind like I did last time. But for some reason this one's different. This one is like a fresh wound every time I think about it. And I've been thinking about it constantly when I'm alone...

Like today in the shower. I have all of these thoughts spinning around and around in my head and I can't get a grip. And for one blessed moment I stopped thinking about it instantly. The physical pain distracted me from my emotional pain. And it didn't feel good to get cut, I'm not into physical pain. I'm really not. I'm a pain wimp and I would never inflict it intentionally. It just felt good to have something actually PULL me out of my thoughts before I started to wonder how good it would feel and if it were actually possible to drown myself in the bathtub...


I hate this. I hate how he made me think this way. I hate that I still talk about it. I hate that I still cry about it every night and usually once a day. And I hate that life is going to go on, I'll still see him and dad'll still work with him like nothing happened. Except it did. And I hate it.