Looking forward to...

I'm going to Australia!! Sydney, Australia, to be specific. And not until after I graduate from my current school (in, 2008). But I'm still very excited!! Yes, there's better things I could do... such as save my credit card instead of spend it.. but i mean come on! It's Australia! At least I've given up on moving there, which I used to swear I was going to do (since I was about 5). The least I can do is visit, and I will!
And now I'm going to sleep to dream about my trip. haha I wish.

What I did on my winter vacation/break...

I watched a bunch of movies today. My dad's been home a lot lately (instead of working at his business and making money) as a result of his depression/bipolarness, and since I'm not working over this break (because I'm lazy) I've spent a lot of time watching movies, which is something my dad likes to do (when he can stay awake long enough).

Today I watched Passenger 57, which has a bad guy thats just too deadpan and freaky for me. I mean, of course the plot wasn't all that great, but its better than a lot of the movies I've seen lately. I also watched the latest War of the Worlds. It wasnt too bad. I had a hard time dealing with all of the special effects, because I mean come-on, I'm all for great effects but I think there's a limit to how many things can blow up/crack open/fall down/etc in a 30second span. But I knew that the special effects were going to be there going into the movie, so I expected it and aside for a few comments I just shutup and enjoyed them. And the movie wasnt as long as I expected (I was expecting 3hours, it was 2) but with the last half hour or so to go I was ready for it to be over. There's just a limit I have, I guess. And, without spoiling it for those who havent seen it, the ending wasn't to my satisfaction. However, watching those 2 movies (even if I do gripe about them) was definetly preferable to how I spent the rest of my day... cleaning.

Hmm, watch movies or clean (with my mom, who has to have things done a certain way to a certain standard)? Which would you pick? ;)

(as promised- here's yesterdays post)-- In a sappy sappy mood

I guess thats what happens when you spend most of the week watching those romantic/comedy holiday movies that they tend to show by the shovelful this time of year. And that's what I've been doing. Watching those movies, thinking how absolutely corny they are and yet they still make me a bit... wistful.

Is it such a bad thing that I want some of this 'love' stuff for myself? I've never been in love. Well, I've had crushes and such, and I've loved people as friends and maybe a bit more, but nothing that was anywhere close to this ever elusive 'love' that everyone seems to be acquainting themselves with quite frequently.

I suppose it must be these movies that are making me so rather sappy. Sure, I'll blame the movies and ignore that I've felt like this for awhle now. Afterall, love right now would be awfully inconvenient. I've my whole life to live, why get boggled down now? And I'm not even sure I believe in love. It's probably something made up for movies and those dramatic type people (which believe it or not, even though you can't tell from this blog, I'm not all that dramatic of a person- I prefer things down-to-earth and calm), and is non-existent in reality.

I suppose I'll never figure it out really, unless/until it actually happens. Til then, I'm going to play the role of an ostrich and stick my head in the sand, its safer that way (and warmer too!).

I'm writing this in Notepad right now, because when I felt in the mood to actually write a post, I felt I needed to do it right away, even if our internet was being stupid and wouldn't let me online. Besides, this way I get to write it in a pretty font (monotype corvisa, 12pt) and then just copy paste it into the blogger box. *smiles*

And no, I did not forget that it's Christmas- or Kissmas as I like to call it because it can encompass everyone, not just those who believe in Christ. So Merry Christmas to the Christians, and Merry Kissmas to everyone (Christian or not). I hope everyone has a good rest-of-the-year, and if that's not possible, well, just remember- the year's almost over soon so look forward to that. I plan to celebrate bringing in the New Year by alternating between being online and counting-down the seconds with my family. Maybe even with a drink or two, if I'm so inclined. *wink*

I'll try to blog before the New Year rolls around, but I never know if I will... if someone wants me to, feel free to send me an email (link's on the side) and yell at me to write. Or leave a comment, since I check like a million times a day. I may be a tad OCD...

And on that note... Merry Kissmas and have a Happy Safe Fun Magically Delightful New Year's eve.

i blogged yesterday! honestly!

I did! But... my internet wasn't working, and so I couldn't get online. But I saved it, so I'll post it sometime in the next day or so.

About time, eh?

So new template, in case you hadn't noticed. It's different since there's no image up top, but I think it's actually rather pretty for some reason. Anyway, credit goes to http://pinkfreak.niftykeen.net/design for this, because, as any of you who may have happened to visit my site during the editing would know, I am horribly inept at this whole template thing.
This template is pretty suitable, since at the moment I am laying in bed working from my laptop and i'm freezing! I think my nose will just fall off from frostbite soon!
Anyway, any problems viewing/etc let me know and I'll try to get it worked out. Let me know what you think!

oh yea, hi rob! ;)

oops

OOps, I forgot to post. And not only did I forget to post, but I forgot to change the template. Oops. I'll get right on that. As soon as I find one I like...


My email page isn't working right now... nor is my host page... I'm hoping it's just temporary or I may just go crazy...


I'm back from school now, for a month. Until Jan 15th. It's going to be weird. It is already. I'm not used to being home. My dad got drunk today, was grumbling and freaking out about pretty much anything, in a generally hyper and cranky way. It was so annoying. Do you know what it's like to breathe a sigh of relief when someone finally falls asleep... and then to not want to flush the toilet for fear it wakes them and you'll have to hear everything all over again? It's pretty stressful and it's what I'm dealing with now that I'm at home. And quite frankly, I'd rather not. And I miss just hanging out at school... I definetly don't miss the schoolwork though. Could survive perfectly fine without having to ever do another final exam...

Ok, enough of my babbling on. I have 4 people I'm talking to at the moment, and that's so rare that I'm going to take the time and enjoy it while it lasts :)

woe woe woe feelings..

I feel so extremely inadequate lately. In everything. School and personal stuff. The only thing I felt good about was my writing class, and that's almost over now.

me? a librarian??

Hahah Storm's comment (see last post) just inspired me to get the template up/working tonight. I guess I could be mistaken for a librarian... depends how you think of librarians. And anyway, school's almost over!! well, for the break anyway. Can't have these dusty ol' books hanging around during kissmas vacation now can i?
Update: Sorry, I lost the credits for the template i was working on somehow, and so now i have to either find them again (which i've been trying to do) or get a new template and work on that. *sigh*

sNOw!

Just thought I'd let everyone know I'm working on editing a winter template. It has snow, even though I hate it. But it's a decent template and you know what? It's a winter template, so it SHOULD have snow. Even if snow is evil. (I say this from experience, having almost died on Friday night because of it.)
So yes, new template soon... by the end of this weekend definetly, if not sooner.

you'd think it was turkey-day

So far my weekend has been spent:
being almost killed sliding in the snow/ice down a hill in a van driven by a guy that doesnt know how to drive in the snow...
getting filled and then some going out to eat with my roomates+1
buying my parents xmas present (and it's really perfect too!)
going shopping and spending only a little over $20

and in about an hour i'm going to go eat brunch... and then do homework? Or sleep...

lazy weekend :)

ladedadedadeda

Hi (insert big cheesy grin). I'm happy. No particular reason, I should rather be stressed out right about now, however I'm doing my usual procrastinating. So the stress can wait for later, I don't feel like being stressed right now. I'm too lazy to be stressed, haha.

I've been drinking less caffeine for the past 2+ weeks now. I can't say I've cut it out completely, it's still in chocolate and such that I eat... but I'm not drinking caffeinated beverages anymore and that cuts out a LOT of caffeine because I'm drinking water now instead of soda for the most part.. So i feel better, all around. Well, that's if you ignore the constant dull pounding headache I've had from lack-of-caffeine withdrawl... it's an addiction you know. But I shall overcome. I'm stronger than a silly caffeine buzz.

Ok, so school is almost over for this semester! Yay! Just the rest of this week, one more full week, and finals. My finals aren't too awfully bad, just:
Tues: Bio at 1pm, Law at 6pm
Weds: Religion paper due 1pm, Ethics at 6pm
Thurs: Imaginative Writing at 1pm.
So by about 3pm Thursday I'll be on my way home for a month! Might be working back at that department store... might not. It depends how finances are... both mine and at home. But all that is to be figured out later, right now I'm relaxing before reading 40 pages of religion before going to sleep! :)

hello old friend

I'm happy. I'm spending the weekend at school just doing nothing. Should be fun. I need more people to talk to online though, so feel free if you see me on AIM/yahoo and wanna chat or just send me an email. I need an email buddy! And I promise i'm a lot happier in IMs then I apparently am on this blog. lol
yahoo: alien4004
aim: aliengurl4004
email is my name (heather) @ my blog (ibabble.net)

no, of course I didn't forget

You think I'd forget my favorite holiday? No way did I forget that it's


I did almost forget to blog it though. So while I still have time (officially)...

did you know?

Whenever I used to cry, the tears would only fall from one eye. My right one, the one facing away from the driver since I was usually the passenger. Except here lately, I'm the driver, and I cry out of both eyes. And its so much harder to hide.

it's storytime!

So, in my imaginative writing class we had this assignment to portray a comedic situation... where people are in a situation and it's not supposed to be funny but the way they're doing it (or stumbling through it) makes it funny. This is what I wrote:


Sex 101


Uh-oh, I’m in trouble. You know you’re in for it when your parents say they want to schedule a meeting between soccer practice and homework. Usually that time is reserved for catching up on the day, watching TV, or just eating dinner. Not tonight apparently. This meeting has been scheduled for a week now, and as each day gets closer, I dread it more and more. Maybe they caught me, finally. Maybe they’ve seen me sneaking a peek in my sister’s diary? Or, maybe they saw me trying to figure out the parental code to the blocked TV channels? Why couldn’t they just yell at me right away? To schedule a meeting seems harsh and unjust. Just get it over with already.


Later that day, after soccer practice and before homework, I’m sat down for the meeting. Mom and dad together on the couch armed with a stack of books and me on the chair, facing them like a soldier in front of the firing squad. There’s silence.


I couldn’t stand the silence any longer. “Oh! Could we please just get this over with?? What’s my punishment? What’s my crime? Just give it to me already, this scheduling and waiting around business is about to drive me nuts. And besides, I didn’t do it and it wasn’t my fault!”


My exclamations bring a startled look from my parents. Wait, that means they weren’t going to yell at me? What’s this about then?


Mom begins. “No, Alex. You’re not in trouble. You didn’t do anything wrong, at least not that we know of… yet. It’s just that Dad and I have been thinking you’re getting to that age where you’re starting to notice girls…”


And that’s when it clicks for me. In my head, I’m screaming, praying. No. No no no. This is not the sex talk. Please, don’t let it be the sex talk. Anything but the sex talk. Yell at me. Scream at me. Lock me in my room for the next 6 months. I don’t mind, really. Just don’t give me the sex talk.


“…and I know we’ve never actually talked about…uh...erm… you know, sex.” she says, whispering the last word, barely able to get it out.


Dad takes over for mom, who’s now blushing so bright red you’d think she’d traded her head for a tomato with a face. “So Alex, we just want you to know that if you have any questions, you can talk to your mom,’ an elbow nudge from mom ‘uh, I mean us, if you have any um questions about fucking.” He sits back, looking very pleased with himself for being so forthright.


After a horrified look and another nudge from mom, he corrects himself “uh, I mean, if you have any questions about SEX. Any questions at all, just come to us and we’ll be happy to give you a book showing you whatever you want to know.”


Dad looks at mom, who in turn looks at me. Now they’re both looking at me, and we’re all wishing this moment has never happened.


I couldn’t say anything. Is it possible for a floor to just open up and swallow us, chairs and all? At least if it did we wouldn’t have to relive this horribly embarrassing conversation. But no, the floor stays shut.


My parents decide to end this embarrassing episode and make a quick exit, but not before they put the books down next to me on the couch. ‘Keep them as long as you need them to find out what you want to know.’ I’m told.
Gee, thanks.

the lesser of 2 evils

Ok so I've decided that I have two options. I can't keep living, surviving, under all the stress I'm under or the thoughts I've been having. So, having said that, the way I figure I have 2 options...
The first option is to see a counciler/therapist. They have programs at my school that I can just make appointments to see/talk to a counciler about anything that might be stressing me out and it's completely confidential and (I think) cost-free. The issue I have with that is I don't know if I can do it. I think I'll have a hard problem talking specifics about what is bothering me with a stranger, or even someone that I see around campus. I HATE to think that someone will be thinking I can't deal with this or feeling sorry for me or whatever.

The second option is to find something to do to de-stress. I used to draw/sketch, it relaxed me and I wasn't half bad at it. I picked up my sketchpad the other day and just couldn't though, so I don't know if that'll work again. The mood wasn't there, the inspiration and the 'talent' isn't there. Maybe it's something I need to work at? Even just writing in general, let alone on here, has stopped or slowed down. Isn't it ironic that I'm taking an imaginative writing course when the least thing I feel like I can do or even want to do is write?

Woaers me, I know. And I feel pathetic for even blogging about it, cause even I don't know how to help me and I don't want this to be one of those 'depressed teen (20ish) girl blogs' that exist in the millions... I'm not depressed (usually), I'm just stressed and I can't get it out anywhere or any way. I'm lost.

yup, i'm 20 now...

today's my birthday *grin*

POTC anyone?

sillycurygurl86: *shakes uncontrollably* shes gonna kill me....
sillycurygurl86: :'(
aliengurl4004: i'm not gonna kill you
sillycurygurl86: they all say that.
aliengurl4004: guess you'll just have to say parlay
sillycurygurl86: p-p-p-p-p... arlay
aliengurl4004: parkay? you got a thing for butter?
sillycurygurl86: i said parlay!
aliengurl4004: oops, damn glass eye can't see letters
sillycurygurl86: haha

My blog is 3!

Yep, that's right, can you believe it?!!!?? My blog is
!!!

(it almost seems like my blog should be older for some reason...)

poems

So I'm in this imaginative writing class, and right now we're working on poems (well, for this half of the semester really). It's actually been pretty fun, it's not as hard as I thought it would be. The only difficult thing for me is having to read and interpret other peoples poems. So far, I've written a poem about S&M, mcdonalds fries, dreaming, an erotic table, a divorce lawyer, and being alone, among other catagories. It's actually kind of fun. Hopefully when we write fiction next quarter its as fun.... (doubtful)

thornbird!

So yesterday my friends Cory and Melissa and me went to a concert held on campus. It's really cool here on weekends because the college always tries to have some sort of event going on, be it comedian or band or play.
Last night at 9pm Thornbird was playing. It was amazing, probably one of the most fun things I'd been to in a long time, if not ever. The music was rock and LOUD and good, so good in fact that I bought the CD. The band was even nice enough to all sign everything that was sold, so I had my CD signed.
The CD itself, besides sounding great, is really cool. It's titled 'denim', because they wanted to do something different then major record companys are doing (they're self-produced/etc) so they sell the CDs in denim pockets with the button from jeans and all. It's really cool. And inside is not only the CD, but a thornbird sticker, and a booklet with photos in.
During the band's intermission we were waiting for Melissa to get out of the bathroom when all of a sudden Pat the drummer from the band came tearing around the corner and almost knocked cory over on the way to the bathroom. And then after he came out of the bathroom he was really cool and we were all talking and he told us to listen to the one song while flipping through the photo book to get a really cool effect.
Oh, and we had a tour of their bus/van. It's kind of cramped, I can't imagine spending as much time in there as they do, but I guess that's the type of stuff you're willing to do when you really love playing music and performing.

You can really tell they love playing music. The concert was a ton of fun with lots of interaction between the band and us (the audiance). I definetly recommend Thornbird if you want to see a great show, I know I had tons of fun.
Their site is really cool also, has pictures and music and message boards that the band actually replies to in adition to the store where you can buy their stuff. Oh and it's really interesting how high-tech seeming it is, it's just a cool layout and site in general:
thornbird.com

ok

I don't care how good they are for the environment, or whatever else you want to say about them. All I know right now is that I hate bees! I got stung today while trying to reverse the car and lets just say it was not fun! I felt like my arm was paralyzed, it hurt so much and did you ever try to reverse the car while your arm was on fire? It's hard! And here it is, over 12hours later and it still hurts! I hope that bee died after stinging me! If he wouldn't naturally, I'm sure me finding him on my shirt and flicking him out the car window would have, at the very least, made him very dizzy. Maybe he'll warn his buddies not to sting me now or they'll get flicked!
Stupid bees.

eep!

Tomorrow is move in day! Back to college I go, and now I'm a Sophomore! Yikes! (who knows, it might be fun...)

back from my self imposed involuntary vacation...

So yea, I oopsed. I thought it was a problem either with blogger or with my site's hosting company, but apparently the reason I couldn't publish was all my fault. But hey, at least I figured it out by myself, right? I had forgotten that my server was transfering to Europe, but I asked it to remain in the US so I got new numbers (which i didn't know about til i checked up on it). So... anyway, long story short, after awhile of practically pulling my hair out, I did some searching and discovered it was my blooper and I just had to change a few numbers and presto! Like magic, the blog posts and the comments work properly now. joy.

I move back to school on Sunday. First day of class isn't til Monday of course, but we move in Sunday. I vary from looking forward to it immensely, to not at all. It will be fun, I just wish we didn't have to do the school 'work' part of it. I think i'd like to just hang out in the suite all day with no work... *sigh* but 'tis life, and I shall survive. Hopefully.
Either way, its happening, nothing to do but look forward to it, eh?

my (dorm) room layout

The pink line at the top is the door. Hopefully you can understand the rest with the symbol stuff I added. The only thing i didn't put stuff explaining (the empty box) is the mini-fridge. Oh, and there's a window at about the middle of my bed. And yes, i know, some of the boxes are disproportionate. It's just for a general idea. :p

sometimes 4

P.W., I want you gone. Stop haunting me. Take my thoughts with you. I want to be me again.

sometimes 3

If I could, this is what I'd say:
You hurt me, you made me ashamed to be a woman, scared to be myself, you put me in danger, and you destroyed my trust of not just you but men in general. That's way more than 3 strikes, and I never want to see you again. I never want to talk to you. I want you gone from my life. From my thoughts. I want this pain that you've caused to be gone. I want you to go away.

That's what I'd say if I were stronger. But I'm not, so I probably will end up not saying anything at all and pretending that I'm fine.

sometimes 2

I cut myself today. While shaving. And it wasn't on purpose but... for a minute, it felt good. It felt good because the pain distracted me from my earlier thoughts. I'd been thinking about what happened. Wondering if I was really just over reacting to a drunk. He was drunk. I knew he was drunk. I knew he was drunk before he said it, during, and after. And I still let it hurt me. It hurt so much. Even though he was drunk. Does he think that way when he's sober?? Dad said if he ever says anything close to it sober and I get hurt from it he'll punch him. So if he says it he'll get in trouble. But does he think it?? It makes me wonder now. And I cry because I didn't used to have to wonder, I used to just trust that he wasn't thinking that way about me. A girl he's known since I was 5. A family friend. I TRUSTED him. And he let me down. And it hurts so much. And I hate myself for letting myself hurt. I should just bury it somewhere in the back of my mind like I did last time. But for some reason this one's different. This one is like a fresh wound every time I think about it. And I've been thinking about it constantly when I'm alone...

Like today in the shower. I have all of these thoughts spinning around and around in my head and I can't get a grip. And for one blessed moment I stopped thinking about it instantly. The physical pain distracted me from my emotional pain. And it didn't feel good to get cut, I'm not into physical pain. I'm really not. I'm a pain wimp and I would never inflict it intentionally. It just felt good to have something actually PULL me out of my thoughts before I started to wonder how good it would feel and if it were actually possible to drown myself in the bathtub...


I hate this. I hate how he made me think this way. I hate that I still talk about it. I hate that I still cry about it every night and usually once a day. And I hate that life is going to go on, I'll still see him and dad'll still work with him like nothing happened. Except it did. And I hate it.

Gilbert.

sometimes

It's all in my head.
Trust can be gone in an instant.
Family friends no longer trusted.
Instincts criticized.
Intuition trusted.
Leaving situations
before they become dangerous.
hurtful.
trust is gone.
innocence.
gone.

it's happened twice.
I cant trust enough to let it happen again.
I wont.

because i said so

mom: why isn't your sister awake yet?
me: chickens.
mom: chicken?
me: nooo, chickenS
mom: chickens?
me: YES. chickens. why is that so hard to understand?
mom: what'd the chickens have to do with her sleeping?
me: I don't know, I wasn't there.
mom: I thought you'd know, thought you were Queen Chicken.
me: Don't be ridiculous. There's no such thing as a Queen Chicken.

it's back

Sometimes, someone just makes you *grin*

;)

that was then

I don't remember thinking half as much when I was little. I don't remember ever feeling a negative thought at all between the ages of 1-6. I just mustn't have been aware of what was going on around me, although I find that hard to believe since I was always hanging out with the grown ups and I'm told I was a very observant child. So, how did I manage to avoid stressing out about things? I must have knew about them. Did I just not see the importance that certain events had? That must be it. I was too young to know better.
I wish I could go back to then. Claim ignorance as an excuse for hiding. For not thinking things through. I wish I could go back to just not realizing the effects different things have on my life, family, the world. I didn't always think so much. And life was so much easier then.

I don't know why it still bothers me that I think. I should be able to handle this 'growing up' business. Most people do. They deal with their problems and move on. And I'm not like this in 'real life'. Sure, I get upset and I get happy. I feel normal most of the time. It's just that when it comes to writing in here while I'm alone, laying on my bed in the dark, I feel like I have no choice but to be honest here and show how I'm really feeling. And inside I feel pretty crappy. I think I should see a shrink. And no, that's not going to happen, cause I would feel way too guilty telling things, 'family secrets' I guess they are, and would never be able to. And they'd just blame my dad, like when my brother went to see a shrink, when I think the problem lays in me and not any other source. I SHOULD be able to get over all of this. It's in the past.

It is in the past. Dad is working his butt off, he's at work more than he's home. And he's doing it for us. He comes home tired, achy, and all to start again at some insane hour the next morning, so we can pay our bills. Except right now things are slow and he's even working harder than ever. And the bills still aren't getting paid. And we're not 100% sure what's going to happen with him going to jail or not (because of the alleged DUI from 3 years ago). And tension is high.

I just want things to be normal. I want my dad to be able to rest without drinking. I want my mom's health to be ok. I want to be able to not think. I want to go to college and not feel guilty that I like it there. Why is that too much to ask?

icky

It's sticky hot. And I enjoyed my 3 days off of work. And that's all I have to say for now, maybe more later. And maybe a picture.

itch itch itch

Ok, so what I thought were just a few innocent and extremely itchy bugbites, turn out to be poison ivy. I figured it out for myself when the bites kept multiplying, and turned into clumps of itchiness. So then I asked my dad if I was right and if it looked like poison to him, and he said yea and to scratch it open when I got home and put bleach on it. I couldn't right away, because I had to go to work and I didn't feel like smelling like bleach all day. So about 20 minutes ago I decided to scratch it open (and wow did that feel good) and then put bleach on a rag and dab it on. So I did, and it hurt but felt good at the same time. And now it just feels irritated, and kind of itchy. I think the poison is mad that I'm killing it and is trying to extract its revenge. Well too bad poison! You're going to dry up like a frog in an empty kiddie pool in 90degree sunshine! (true, sad, story from my childhood)
I'll let you know who wins this battle.

dream room

My dream room is ideal for sleeping. It's a nice calm room, white with just a bit of muted colors here and there. When you walk into the room, all you see is the giant bed- think bigger than King size, and off to the side you see beautiful patio doors with windows in them so it lets all the sunshine shine directly onto the bed and fills the room with natural light. Nothing else in the room, the dresser/etc is all in a different room, this room is just for the bed.
Perfect for naps.




What's your dream room like?
(yes, I did a topic like this before)

as my adorable autistic cousin said to my brother...

"Gradulations Zac! Cause you're out of school now!"

She was so cute, and so well behaved during the ceremony. She's only 5 or 6? And she's not usually so well behaved, but my parents are big believers that if you tell the child what to expect, they'll live up to your expectations. So we told her we we're going someplace to watch Zac and we have to be quiet except we can clap when we see Zac. And she was really really good, and we were all pleasently surprised. Her mom says that she is horrible to take out anywhere, and blames it all on her autism. Little does she know, it's her parenting 'skills' (or lack of them) and not my cousin.

My cousin was adorable, Zac graduated and had a good time and made everyone so proud, and I got to spend the day with my grandparents/family instead of at work. All in all, not a bad day.

ok

I'm over my fit.
Things to look forward to:
-my brother's high school graduation
-figuring out this financial aid thing for school
-going shopping for work clothes
-paycheck tomorrow! (which I will probably spend on clothes)
-getting to see my grandparents because they're going to graduation with us
-driving to (near) Philly for brother's graduation- mom's actually going to let ME drive there! She'll be a very avid backseat driver, I'm sure.

life is just so

:( difficult.

And I don't want to blog about it, because this blog is turning into a horrible whiney thing. And while you may say you don't care that this is actually about me just whining all the time, why would you really want to read that? And so I'm not doing it anymore unless I really need to. After this.

And I can't talk to anyone about it, because there's not one specific thing and to just vent to someone would either be me talking their ear off or not knowing where to start. And I know they say talking helps sometimes, but it won't actually fix the problems, they're not emotional things or things that have a solution, they're actual problems that can't be solved, that nothing short of changing events of a few years ago and/or a magic wand could fix. And since I don't see either of those solutions happening, what's the point in whining about it?

And so I just spend my days pretending nothing's wrong.
Yea sure, I'm ok.
Why wouldn't I be?
I'm fine...
As long as I can pretend...
As long as I don't think...
I don't want to...
I can't...
Don't make me...
It hurts too much.

oh yea...

I forgot to mention, I'm posting the schedule of my work week here: where's heather?

'Just let me know...'

Blah blah blah. Work work work. I worked 2 days of 9 hour shifts, and the 2nd day (yesterday) I only had 1 hour lunch break and about a 5 minute break (half an hour before I left for the day) because we were so busy. We're understaffed and over-customered. I like being busy, but when I'm running the jewelry counter and taking care of customers that want to see this necklace or that bracelet- and I have to stay with them while they decide if they want it or not and put it back in the case if they don't- AND take care of customers that need to purchase regular items, it gets way too hectic.
And my legs! Well, my thighs specifically. The locks for the cases are close to the floor, so all day I'm like squatting down to lock/unlock the cases and my legs are really getting a workout out of it! Yesterday and all day today my legs hurt whenever I had to move.

Oh, and my brother and sister are sick. The flu or whatever it is that is going around. And when I went in for medicine the checkout girl said "aww who's sick?" and I said my brother and sister and then she said "oh so you'll be in here tomorrow getting medicine for yourself" haha. It'll probably come true, so it's not funny. I don't need to get sick now, I have a job! I had a month+ when I could have gotten sick and it would have been convenient. Sheesh. I'm taking Vitamin C drops so hopefully that helps ward off the germs. Yuck.

I got it

Got the job. Now I'm going to be a cashier and/or at the jewelry counter. Which is kinda cool, cause they only put "dependable" people there that they know they can trust. The 'interview' was actually really easy. The whole process was, really. I walk in to the store and go to the service desk to tell them I have an interview and the one manager was right there, and she gives me a huge smile and says welcome back heather! and shakes my hand. And then she said follow me back and we'll get the paperwork stuff done. So she takes me back to the office, and I meet another manager (of some other division, i forget what) that is new since I worked there last year (and she's extremely nice and funny, if you were wondering). I filled out the survey thing, it's like 56 questions on how you would react in certain situations. And then they were debating on putting my scores into the computer or not, because they were worried I might fail this test/survey since my answers were so different from the last time I took it (and I passed it last time). But, after a few minutes of making me nervous, it was found out that... I got a 95!! The managers were like Heather, 95! NOBODY gets a 95 ever! And then one of them said how it was almost perfect this time, and last time I only got like a 50something. I just laughed and said I hope I would have gotten smarter at it since i worked there almost a year...
And then I had my schedule drawn up, and that's about it. For those curious, I work mainly mornings/afternoons this week, and I asked that be switched around to nights next week since I like working nightshift more (it's more fun and relaxed- shh!). She said that since nobody likes working nights she thought she was being nice by giving me days, and here I want nights. So she said no problem next week it'll be switched around so I work nights (we'll see about that, she tends to say one thing and then not do it). My schedule this week:
Tues: 11-5 on register
Weds: 10-2 in Jewelry
Thurs: day off
Fri: 1-10 Jewelry
Sat: 9-5 Jewelry
-----------------
25 hours total working + 1 hour lunch break every day I'm there 8+ hours (but I don't get paid for lunch)

So my week is going to be filled with trying to remember how to run register again (I'm getting an overview tomorrow, I'll only be on register then and I'll be near the service desk in case I need help since Im not getting training again on it) and also learning how to handle the jewelry counter. Jewelry might be difficult, because I'll be working with someone that LOVES gossip and is the complete opposite of me in every way, and also cause they tend to be fussy at the jewelry counter when deciding what goes where and etc. with displays and packing up. But who knows, it might be fun.

and so, it starts again

Wish me (good) luck, please! This Monday at noon I have an interview to be a cashier again. I have about 7 or 8 weeks left to work before its time to get ready for college again.

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. - Logan Pearsall Smith

I'd forgotten how much I love to read for fun. I recieved a letter from my (former) roomate, and in it she mentioned how I'm probably already on my 3rd book of the summer... and then I realized that no, I hadn't even picked up a book for fun even once this summer. Past years I've read 400+ books in a year, but this year (not including those read for school) I probably didn't even get anywhere past 50. I just... I don't know, forgot how I feel when I'm reading I guess. A few days ago I picked up one of those 3-stories-in-1 books to get myself started again, and I finished each story in a matter of a couple hours. And I loved every minute of it. I loved how I would start reading and reading, and what seemed like minutes later, I was finished the story. And it ends exactly the way I want it to. It has to. If its a new book, I read a chapter, then skip ahead to the last chapter and read that. And if it doesn't end with 'A' falling in love with 'B', I discontinue reading. Books are supposed to be a fantasy, a means of escape. Well, my fantasy has to have a happy ending.
That's why I read 'stupid trashy' romance novels. They're quick easy reads, mindless, funny, and they indulge my romantic side. They make me smile. There's been a lot of times where I'll be upset and just start reading, and someone will walk in the room to find me smiling over something corny the 'hero' (or whoever) just said. They make me happy, as books are supposed to.
I've been reading since before kindergarden, with a few breaks here and there when I forgot how much I enjoy making time for it. I'm happy to say, that I will be making time for it every day now, no matter how busy I am with school/job/life. It's so worth it.

yuck

I hate it when I think of a topic that I want to blog about, and then by the time I log into blogger etc, I forget the topic that surely would have had everyone enthralled and professing their undying devotion to everything heather... (ok, so I may be a tad extreme there, but you get the point) had I just remembered it.

I hate when that happens.

Oh, and on a non-hating note, thanks for all the support through my annoying depressed posts, especially thankyou to Ian who left me such a lovely comment :) (and funny too, how did I get there twice??)

Dear 'friend'...

I can talk and talk. And listen. And I actually pay attention. For the moment. And then when it's all over and we're through talking I wonder what was actually said. Afterwards I just feel empty, and I wonder why I even bother. What's the point in talking, in listening, if I just feel empty afterwards? Like that conversation was meaningless, like I just wasted all that time? But I don't want to feel like this. We're friends. Friends should get something out of talking, shouldn't they? It shouldn't feel like you're just shallow friends, the type that only talk about things to fill the silence and don't really care. Except I do care. I think. I want to. But I also want to feel cared about in return. And I don't.
I just feel so empty.

Because it was driving me crazy that I couldn't figure it out...

tada! I figured it out all by myself (with a little help from blogger's support)

mmmmoooooooo

So, what do you think? I like it, I think it's funny in a weird/simple way. (insert big cheesy grin) I still have to tweak some things a bit, but for now, it's done.

Oh, and for some reason I couldn't get haloscan comments to work, so we'll just have to go with blogger's comments for now. If you don't have a blogger account, you can still comment, just click on the 'other' button and fill in name/site. Don't use the anonymous as it will drive me crazy, and I'm already crazy enough.

Ok, this girl is going to sleep. Gnight, and enjoy!

umm yea

So I am still alive. I just thought I'd point that out after my mom and sister said that you might think I'm dead since the last thing I said was I'm getting 5 teeth pulled... But alas, I am very much alive. Ok, the very much might be stretching it a bit. But alive!

I ended up only getting my 4 wisdom teeth pulled, the 5th 'tooth' turned out to not be a tooth at all, but part of another tooth. Which my original dentist said, but my 2nd dentist said it was another tooth, so I was at the mercy of the 2nd dentist since the original dentist left. So... anyway, only had 4 pulled. But trust me, it was more than enough for me! The pain killers they gave me (vicodin) made me extra sleepy and nauseated, so I spent a good 4 days just laying in bed and only waking up when necessary. I can't say I minded spending all that time in bed, as I adore sleep, but I could have done without the nauseating feeling everytime I breathed. But I'm better now, and stitches come out tomorrow. joy. :)

And yes, I promise I am working on finding a new template. I just can't find any I like. I think tonight I'm just going to throw one on here for temporary. Better than having a winter scarf template...

wish me luck

I'm having 5 teeth pulled today.

what?!?

Ok, so look at these adorable babies. They're relatives of mine, from somewhere way way back in the family line. Supposedly, they're german... I think they look asian, my mom thinks I'm crazy because she doesn't see it... What do you think? I think they're cute, I just think it's funny that they're supposedly german and yet look asian (to me anyway)...

(sorry, had to delete pic- email if you really want to see and I'll give you a link)

coming soon, to a blog near you

Pretty soon I will have:
1) A new template- Spring-like, but I'm thinking something with a lot of white, so maybe it'll look more winterish. But better than this one.
2) An end-of the school year wrap up
3) I'm only going to post when I want to. That whole 2x a week thing just didn't work for long enough. I need to WANT to post, and also, having a blogger that loads faster than the pace of a snail would be useful.

adoration

This business of adoring someone from afar? It's rather difficult. (and no, doll, it's not you :P)

today's whiney post via email!

So today I had Circle of Friends tutoring. I actually prepared for it for once.
I had a little time to kill in between my paper conference and tutoring at
4:00, so I decided I should look up some worksheets or something for the girls
to do, since lately I feel like that 'class' (ie tutoring session) is a waste
of time for the girls since they never want to do anything and we usually just
give in. But today was going to be different. Today we were actually going to
do something, whether they liked it or not.
And we did.
I made up worksheets; 1 worksheet with about 8 sentences on nouns, 1 on verbs with 5 sentences, and 1 on adjectives with 5 sentences. These are all things we had been going over, and I thought the girls had them pretty down-pat, this was just to be a review where they underline the noun/verb/adjective. Well, Amy* was able to do it pretty quickly, with only a little help. Susan* however took some time, and sometimes I think she just randomly guessed until I said how about we look at this again... and helped her more. But it's not that she can't do it, I know she can, she did the other sentences perfectly well. It's just every once in awhile she'd get lazy and not want to do it. At one point, after finishing the worksheet, Susan shoved the papers over to me and said "you do it". I laughed and said no way I'm not doing your work... but it was kind of frustrating since we don't really require much by them any other time and then when we actually wanted them to do something they moan and groan about it the entire time.

And wow, were the insults flying today! The girls were in hyperactive mode,
insulting each other and talking loud and quickly and... just wow. They were
more hyper today than I've ever seen them, but I think a lot of that had to do
with today being the last class. According to Amy, the tutoring session next
week might be cancelled for a special field trip they might be going on, so
that makes today their last class with us since we don't tutor during Finals
week. I guess that explains the hyperness. It is a bit frustrating though.
They didnt' even want to go over to the library to read magazines or anything.
We had to practically beg and plead with them to go, calling it a field trip
and that it wasn't really "baby stuff" like they said. So we walked there, and
then rented laptops for them to surf the web on, however the internet wouldn't
work so then we had to deal with more moaning about that...

It's just one of those days I guess. Since the weather is all icky and
disgusting. Snow this morning, hail, and it looks very stormy outside now so I
bet we're in for a lot of rain soon. Oh joy. It's cold outside. Today our
attendence question in my American Cultures class was determined to be
optimistic... "what is the best thing about snow in the end of April?"... My
answer? It'll melt soon. I hate snow, as does almost everyone else in that
class.

I'm just in a gloomy kind of mood right now I guess. I need a nap.

*names have been changed on account of the off-chance that they'll find
this blog

A type of nightmare?

Have you ever woken up suddenly from a dream, thinking that the dream you just had was real? That just happened to me 2minutes ago, and my heart is still racing from it!
I dreamt that it was 12:15 in the afternoon on Friday (today) and that I had just woken up to realize I was late for class. In my dream i'm scurrying around thinking I can make the second half of class when I realize that class goes from 10-12, and so I've already missed even the second half of class. I'm thinking that I'm in major trouble, because you're not allowed to miss 2 classes in a row without getting in trouble and I missed class on Wednesday. So as I'm panicking in my dream, I wake up and almost panic in real life. And then I looked at my alarm clock and I realized it was only 8:30(am) and I'm ok. But my heart is still racing from it. And I realized that I had shut my alarm off at some point during the morning, so if I hadn't woken up when I did my dream/nightmare would probably have come true.

Sunny days are here again!

idea from here, created here.

better late than never?

The second post is a little late this week, but I blame my sister...
She spent the weekend here with me, at college. As I informed her, she's now ahead of a lot of other kids her age. How many 15 year olds that you know get to spend the weekend at a college? I think she had fun... this school does tend to be known as a "suitcase school" though, most of the students go home for the weekends. So it tends to get a little boring sometimes, but I think overall she had fun. We watched movies, went to walmart, took the shuttle there, gave her a little tour of my classroom building, and ate in the cafeteria. We were going to see a band tonight, but they apparently broke up and cancelled the gig or something. Who knows. So instead we sat out in the amphitheater until we got tired of sitting on cold slate slab seats. Then we came inside and watched Dogma. Fun fun. Tomorrow at noon we're going to brunch, and sometime after that hoov is going home :(
She wants to come up next weekend, but I think I'm going home instead. There's always next year, when I'll be living in a suite...

and my problem is...

I'm not passionate about anything. I used to have hobbies, reading, sketching, collecting, etc. I don't do much (if any) of any of that anymore. If you ask me what my hobbies are, I could name what I used to do, but now all I really do is schoolwork/class and go online. Of course I hang out with my friends a lot also, but nothing that could really be considered a hobby.
It's kind of upsetting to think that I have no hobbies. Yea well, that's what summer is for, right?

today i discovered...

Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites. mmmmmmm.

We watched it today. My mom, my sis, and me. Somehow, we ended up having this conversation:
sis: Ethan Hawke. What's he from??
me: He has his own show.
sis: No he doesn't!
me: Ok, so he doesn't. But if he did, I'd watch it.
mom: (laughing) Even if it was on the porn channel?
me: ... um... mom, is that really a question you want an answer to??
mom: no, not really.
(at this point I'm laughing hysterically)
me: sheesh you guys are going to make me hyperventilate!
mom: I'll get you a brown bag & put Ethan's name on it.



Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites. mmmmmmmmmm. yummy.

...umph.

I just don't have the umph required to blog anymore. When something happens, I don't automatically think "I should blog this!" like I used to. I don't automatically blog when I'm upset anymore either. I think it's because I tend to feel stressed when I think about writing/blogging. I feel like since I have actual readers, I should somehow make this blog better than what it is, and frankly I'm not up to doing that. I want this blog to just be me, good and bad. And even though I think sometime's its gotten away from the personal stuff that I used to write to a more general theme, it's still me. However, I'm going to try updating again, really updating with no expectations. So, the only expectation you can have is that I will blog at least twice a week. Don't expect them to be good, I have to get back into the writing for-fun habit. I think it will be a lot better over the summer, when I have more fun stress to deal with like working, as opposed to horrible stress such as schoolwork.

I am looking forward to working this summer. On one hand I'd love to be the type of kid that doesn't need the money, that actually can just lay around getting a tan by the pool all summer. But I've never been that type of kid. I need the money for next year, heck even this year I could use it, and I just don't think I could stand mooching off my parents when I could be working. And I enjoy it. Sure, I complain about it sometimes (a lot of times), but it DOES have its good points too. It can be fun.

I loved being a cashier. I loved the interaction with people. I loved asking if the person had ever tried ___ that they were buying, and if so did it work? I loved having repeating customers. I loved how I was called "dear" and "sweetie" by these sweet old customers, and how it wasn't sexist at all, they just thought I was a cheerful happy person and that I was a "sweetie" or a "dear". I loved how you could have 5 cranky customers in a row, and then the next one is a super nice customer that just makes you forget about the previous cranky ones. I loved how understanding customers can be when there's technical difficulties with the register, and they have to wait. You would think the majority would throw a hissy fit, but, in my experience at least, if you smile and say you're trying to get it taken care of as fast as possible, the customers understand and will just laugh or BS with you while they're waiting.

Of course customers can be cranky and things can go wrong and you can have horrible days where you just want to cry. And you can also have days where you leave smiling because of great coworkers and happy fun customers. And those are the days I try to remember when I'm having a rough day. So, do me a favor, and if I complain about being a cashier or about a rough day in the future, remind me of the happy days, ok?

I love the things I can count on

As you may or may not know, I am one of those people that absolutely hate surprises. Of almost any kind. I like predictability, I like knowing that 'a' will happen, leading to 'b', which leads to 'c'. I thrive on that kind of environment. So, I thought, just for fun, I'd list a few of those predictable things that I love:
1) Every Monday/Weds/Friday I will wake up dreading my 10am American
cultures class. Every time, without fail.

2) Even though I plan out my Tues/Thursdays to wake up early, get a shower,
do homework, and have plenty of time to get ready for my 12:30-4:45 day, I will
end up sleeping until at least 9, going online, talking on IM, or otherwise
lazing about until it reaches 11:30 and I then decide to rush around like a
madwoman taking a shower and eating brunch.

3) Every Monday/Weds/Friday I walk to my dreaded American Cultures class
with one of my best friends and my roommate, who could also be considered an
amazing friend. They listen to me complain about how much I do NOT want to go to
class, and insist I must. And so I do.

4) I will inevitably be bored out of my mind during my philosophy and
literature course, even if the topics are of the utmost interest to me, simply
because of the way my professor talks. It just annoys me, how he speaks quickly
and softly, so I end up tuning him out until he asks a question to me--- which
happens fairly often, since I'm one of 5 total students in the class. I then
wake up enough to answer, and drift back into my boredom-induced coma.

5) At the end of the day, I will read all of my homework for the night, write papers, etc, by 10pm. Because at 10pm I go online to talk with those I love to talk to, those that de-stress me and care about me beyond an academic environment. And it helps, it really does. It helps me focus, it makes me get my work done that might otherwise be pushed into a 2am quick-read, just so I can chat. And I like it.

6) Lunch at 12:45, Dinner at 5:45/6pm.

7) I will, inevitably, encounter drama with someone. A boyfriend problem,
stress over the horrid amount of schoolwork, etc etc. It all will be encountered
during the course of any normal day. And this drama fails to be a drama for me,
because I see it as more of a predictable series of events. Girl likes boy. Boy
does something. Girl freaks out. 1-2-3. Always. At least, always in the life of
my dorm-mates. Drama becomes less dramatic if you can find the pattern
involved.

And I think that's why I like predictability. I'm not a dramatic person, although I can fake it sometimes. But that's only when I'm being silly. Generally, the less drama, the better. And as I've said, drama becomes less dramatic if you can find the pattern, the predictability in the actions. And I think people's lives are so dramatic, that it helps to have a routine. A pattern. Something solid that you know will happen. Unless of course something interferes, like Easter break from school. But even so, eventually, I will revert back to my pattern. And it will help me be less stressed. College is stressful, so find the pattern of predictability, the few things you know you can count on, the things that you like doing, and it'll help. At least, it has with me.

i was more tired than i thought...

So after a hectic day yesterday, I slept for two hours. Which normally wouldn't be a problem, however, I slept while in the middle of an IM with a friend. Oops. I hadn't realized that I was that sleepy, or I wouldn't have started talking in the first place! There I was, laying on my bed while talking to him (using my laptop) and next thing I know I'm opening my eyes and it's 1:47am.
I, of course, apologized. I really hadn't meant to fall asleep on him. And he said it was ok, even though he called me a shithead for making him think it was a problem with yahoo (because yahoo tends to eat messages, and he didn't know that it wasnt yahoo eating them again, but that instead I was sleeping).
Some days, you should just go to bed early.

For the life of me...

I can't sleep. I've been trying to sleep for the past hour or so. I've tried reading, boring myself to sleep, counting sheep, everything I can think of. And it's all a no-go. I think I'm stressed out. I know I am. And I only make myself worse by not doing the things that are stressing me out. I ignore them, and then it makes it so I just have to do them later. An example? I have an American Cultures rough draft to write, and I've really psyched myself out about it. I did extremely horrible on the last essay, and I HAVE to do well on this one to get my grade to a C! It's at a 'C-' now. That's horrible for me, if I keep that up it'll bring down my GPA, which means no scholarship, which means no school, which means no law school, which means I won't be a lawyer, which means I might as well just kill myself because there'll be nothing left. And yea, as you can see, I'm really stressing myself out about this paper.
And yet...
What did I do today on my paper? One would think that if I were so stressed out about this paper, I would be working on it nonstop, no? NO. I didn't work on it much at all today. I tried, really, I did. And nothing. I wrote some stuff, but it was just off-the-top of my head work and nothing that I'm even halfway sure is accurate. And then I spent the rest of my day just loafing around, and then I went out to dinner with the lovely miss caitlin. It was fun, definetly.
I really do need to work on my paper all day tomorrow. In Amcul tomorrow we have to do a thesis/introductionary paragrah and drafts. It's going to be so horrible. Two hours of writing, about stuff I'm not completely sure about. And then when I'm done with that class, I have to come back to the dorm and write more. And then I have a lit club meeting. And then write some more. It has to be an amazing rough draft so I don't have tons of work to do on Spring Break. Hah. I'll have tons to do anyway, I'm sure. I was hoping to go to the mall tomorrow with friends, but I doubt it's going to happen.
And that was my day.

wow...

Sometimes I underestimate myself. Or, I underestimate exactly how willing I am to devote some time to customizing html rather than schoolwork. Either way, new template. What do you think? Personally I don't really see a warm scarf connection, but I liked the image that phrase brought to mind.

i blame my lack of posting

on the template. It's totally the template's fault. It's too cute. It's annoying me. Next one is going to be up soon, probably some day after Thursday, since I've stuff to do Weds and tests Thurs.

life.

And how are you doing? You know that elusive thing that you kind of know what it is, but you dont want to talk about? How everyime someone says "you sound better than you did yesterday" it just zaps you right back into that same horrible mood? How something simple that you thought only bothered you a little bit can suddenly have you sobbing into your pillow?? How you enjoy listening to other people's problems just because it makes you forget about what is bothering you, even if it's only for a moment??

Me?? I'm fine. I spend my day telling everyone that. Mom asks. Oh, I'm ok. "You sound better than you did yesterday" (bad mood starts) Yea. Thanks ever so much for bringing it up. I know you were just making an observation, and no I'm not mad at you. No, its not something I want to talk about. With anyone. Because it can't be fixed. Because I don't know what's wrong. How can I fix something when I don't know what it is??

I just wish I could hibernate. Crawl in a hole somewhere and hide. From whatever it is that's eating at me. Eating at me and ripping me apart. Because I hate feeling like this. Cheerful Heather one moment, fake cheerful Heather who's actually wanting to hide the next moment. It's tiring. And I wish it would just go away. I wish I could just go away.

life is a rollercoaster

Life is just crazy lately. It goes up, it goes down, it mellows out. It's just crazy. It has its good moments and its bad. Life is just crazy lately. I just can't think enough to string together anything else but that.

Tomorrow at 4pm I get to meet with the 4 women that I'm going to be tutoring in writing for an hour every Monday. The women have Downes syndrom I think, that's what someone told me. I'm really excited about meeting them tomorrow and tutoring the next Monday, nervous and excited. I think Cory is going with me, and she's tutored before so she'll be there to help me if I get overwhelmed. I'm really excited though.

And Brian Deegan won the gold at XGAMES for best trick!!!!!!!!! I love him and his awesomeness at moto-x.

Yay!

TGIF!

It's almost the weekend! I only have 1 more class to get through, a group presentation (that we have not prepared for at all) and then home! I wasn't so anxious to come home this week. I didn't go home last week, and everyone I know is going home this weekend and they've been excited about it since Monday. I haven't been. It hasn't hit me until today. There's just so much drama here. And there's drama at home, but at least when I'm home it's HOME and just that is somehow comforting in itself.

I have class at 10 tomorrow. I have to wake up at 8:45 if I'm going to take a shower. I might just be gross and say no to my shower and sleep til 9:30. That gives me 15mins to brush my teeth, dress, and gather my books/thoughts. We're going to work more on our 4 page paper (due on Feb 3rd) tomorrow, which I haven't started. I hate working on it in class. It's so much pressure. It's like they say this this and this and it confuses me from my original idea, and then they say "ok now you have 10 mins to write an intro paragraph with thesis (or something like it) and then we'll read them out loud." Yikes. I sincerely hate this class.

My roomie is at the club tonight. There's a local club that has under 21 night on Thursdays so it's a big event that a lot of kids here go to. Tonight was her first time going, and it was so cute how excited/nervous she was. She's not back yet, but she said she probably wouldn't be back til around 2. I hope she's having fun, she deserves a night away from studying!!

I have 2 temporary roomates. Something happened with their heater so we invited them to spend the night in our room. So right now we have 2 twin size air mattresses on the floor, and that literally takes up all the space on the floor between the bunk beds and the dresser besides like maybe 1 foot for us to get into our bunk beds. It's ok though, I'd feel really bad knowing we had the room but saying no sleep in your nasty smelling room. Besides, it's good to feel like a sardine every once in awhile. ;)

i'm annoyed

The Steelers lost! Come on!! The team that's been (basically) winning all season, lost when it mattered! I wanted so badly to have an all Pennsylvania Superbowl. That would have been cool. Especially since my mom and brother love the Steelers and my dad and sister love the Eagles (I don't love any of them, I just watch occasionally). My house would have been so LOUD during the game! I could have heard them from college! But noooo, Steelers had to go and lose. And lose by a LOT! I don't even want to watch the Superbowl now. Stupidheads.


Oh, and I, the lovely coordinated person that I am, fell today. While going UP the stairs. I have 2 bruises on my leg and a skinned palm. I'm ok, I just think it's funny that I fell going UP stairs. Don't most people fall while going down them? Leave it to me to catch my boot on the edge of the stairs and fall going up. At least nobody saw except my friend Cory. Could have happened during the fire drill... that would have been MUCH worse. I would have gotten trampled!

i survived!

I survived my first day, only one more '1st day' (of new classes) to go! Tomorrow is Jazz Cultures/Philosophy & Literature/Math Reasoning. 12:30-4:45. If you want to know my schedule (I don't know why you would...) it's here.

I bought all of my books!! That was my big accomplishment today. $210, which is about 100-150$ cheaper than last semester. Yay. I called my mom twice, had class, watched a movie, ate... yea that's about my day, in no particular order.

The movie I saw was the Butterfly Effect. I liked it. I particularly liked the alternate ending which, while I won't talk about because it might spoil it for those that haven't seen, was a very good ending for those that love philosophy. Like myself. :)

New template soon, I just have to find one and then find the time to put it up. I'm having trouble finding templates I like. I know I know I should just code one myself from scratch, but I'm 1)lazy 2)not that talented 3)dont' know enough and 4)last time I tried after HOURS it turned out looking like something I wouldn't put on my worst enemy's site. lol

Ok, now the fun part.. answering the comments! Thanks!

Leesa, if you think THAT's clean, you should see the room after my mom makes me clean it to her satisfaction. She's crazy with her level of clean!

Jill... it's a bank :) hehe. Almost filled with ONLY nickels. I used to collect them (..about 2 years ago lol) and they were supposed to be college book money, but so far my dad has just said if I ever need the money I'm supposed to give my parents the nickels and they'll give me the money for them. Why he wants $150 worth of nickels i have no idea...

Sabrina... As for posting more pics, while I'd love to, unfortunetly my mom's digital camera took a little bath, and so she's using mine because she needs one for ebay, while I don't NEED need one like she does. Until she gets the money for a new one. It's not a big deal, as like I said I don't really need one. I can just take pics when I go home if I want.

Thanks for all the comments girls, i love coming to my blog and seeing something besides my rambling :)

how i spent most of my day...

I spent most of my day cleaning my bedroom. Now, this may not seem like that big of a deal, but it was a complete mess. Really. And I have the pictures to prove it...
before:

then I did this:

and ended up with this:


and if I ever let my side of the room get that messy again, someone yell at me.

another one of THOSE questions...

Ok, so my last guy question was 'What is the sexiest thing a guy can do?' (which, btw, I changed my answer but I'm not telling you to what ;)
The new one is "What is the sexiest thing about a guy?" I found out a few answers recently, and I'm not telling any of them.

This is one of those questions just to get you thinking and if you want you can comment your answers. Any guys that read, you can answer about girls (if you want). Just keep the language anti-gross please (subject to deletion of comment by my discretion)

?

When does one stop asking questions?
When does one decide that it's easier to not ask, to stay on the outside, rather than get drawn in and have to deal with everything?
Is it just a coping method of trying to avoid unnecessary drama?
Isn't all drama unncessary?
Why would one willingly get involved with a situation they know will create drama?
Why wouldn't one just sit on the sidelines?
Wouldn't you rather watch the drama unfold than be part of it?
Don't you think that sometimes even if you try not to be involved, if you try to keep to your own little world, the drama just has a way of finding you?
Why?
Why not?
Why ask why?
Why not ask why?
Why have a post consisting entirely of nothing but questions that have been rolling around in some deep recess of my mind, not emerging even to myself until I started typing?
Then again... why not have a post like this if it's what I want?
If it's how I feel like expressing the things I don't want to?
Is this my own little drama?

I guess so...

2005

Well it's the new year for me. So I'd like to wish the customary best wishes for a
Happy New Year!!
to all of my wonderful readers. And those that aren't so wonderful too (aka, those lurkers that don't comment). ;)