sometimes

It's all in my head.
Trust can be gone in an instant.
Family friends no longer trusted.
Instincts criticized.
Intuition trusted.
Leaving situations
before they become dangerous.
hurtful.
trust is gone.
innocence.
gone.

it's happened twice.
I cant trust enough to let it happen again.
I wont.

because i said so

mom: why isn't your sister awake yet?
me: chickens.
mom: chicken?
me: nooo, chickenS
mom: chickens?
me: YES. chickens. why is that so hard to understand?
mom: what'd the chickens have to do with her sleeping?
me: I don't know, I wasn't there.
mom: I thought you'd know, thought you were Queen Chicken.
me: Don't be ridiculous. There's no such thing as a Queen Chicken.

it's back

Sometimes, someone just makes you *grin*

;)

that was then

I don't remember thinking half as much when I was little. I don't remember ever feeling a negative thought at all between the ages of 1-6. I just mustn't have been aware of what was going on around me, although I find that hard to believe since I was always hanging out with the grown ups and I'm told I was a very observant child. So, how did I manage to avoid stressing out about things? I must have knew about them. Did I just not see the importance that certain events had? That must be it. I was too young to know better.
I wish I could go back to then. Claim ignorance as an excuse for hiding. For not thinking things through. I wish I could go back to just not realizing the effects different things have on my life, family, the world. I didn't always think so much. And life was so much easier then.

I don't know why it still bothers me that I think. I should be able to handle this 'growing up' business. Most people do. They deal with their problems and move on. And I'm not like this in 'real life'. Sure, I get upset and I get happy. I feel normal most of the time. It's just that when it comes to writing in here while I'm alone, laying on my bed in the dark, I feel like I have no choice but to be honest here and show how I'm really feeling. And inside I feel pretty crappy. I think I should see a shrink. And no, that's not going to happen, cause I would feel way too guilty telling things, 'family secrets' I guess they are, and would never be able to. And they'd just blame my dad, like when my brother went to see a shrink, when I think the problem lays in me and not any other source. I SHOULD be able to get over all of this. It's in the past.

It is in the past. Dad is working his butt off, he's at work more than he's home. And he's doing it for us. He comes home tired, achy, and all to start again at some insane hour the next morning, so we can pay our bills. Except right now things are slow and he's even working harder than ever. And the bills still aren't getting paid. And we're not 100% sure what's going to happen with him going to jail or not (because of the alleged DUI from 3 years ago). And tension is high.

I just want things to be normal. I want my dad to be able to rest without drinking. I want my mom's health to be ok. I want to be able to not think. I want to go to college and not feel guilty that I like it there. Why is that too much to ask?

icky

It's sticky hot. And I enjoyed my 3 days off of work. And that's all I have to say for now, maybe more later. And maybe a picture.

itch itch itch

Ok, so what I thought were just a few innocent and extremely itchy bugbites, turn out to be poison ivy. I figured it out for myself when the bites kept multiplying, and turned into clumps of itchiness. So then I asked my dad if I was right and if it looked like poison to him, and he said yea and to scratch it open when I got home and put bleach on it. I couldn't right away, because I had to go to work and I didn't feel like smelling like bleach all day. So about 20 minutes ago I decided to scratch it open (and wow did that feel good) and then put bleach on a rag and dab it on. So I did, and it hurt but felt good at the same time. And now it just feels irritated, and kind of itchy. I think the poison is mad that I'm killing it and is trying to extract its revenge. Well too bad poison! You're going to dry up like a frog in an empty kiddie pool in 90degree sunshine! (true, sad, story from my childhood)
I'll let you know who wins this battle.

dream room

My dream room is ideal for sleeping. It's a nice calm room, white with just a bit of muted colors here and there. When you walk into the room, all you see is the giant bed- think bigger than King size, and off to the side you see beautiful patio doors with windows in them so it lets all the sunshine shine directly onto the bed and fills the room with natural light. Nothing else in the room, the dresser/etc is all in a different room, this room is just for the bed.
Perfect for naps.




What's your dream room like?
(yes, I did a topic like this before)