as my adorable autistic cousin said to my brother...

"Gradulations Zac! Cause you're out of school now!"

She was so cute, and so well behaved during the ceremony. She's only 5 or 6? And she's not usually so well behaved, but my parents are big believers that if you tell the child what to expect, they'll live up to your expectations. So we told her we we're going someplace to watch Zac and we have to be quiet except we can clap when we see Zac. And she was really really good, and we were all pleasently surprised. Her mom says that she is horrible to take out anywhere, and blames it all on her autism. Little does she know, it's her parenting 'skills' (or lack of them) and not my cousin.

My cousin was adorable, Zac graduated and had a good time and made everyone so proud, and I got to spend the day with my grandparents/family instead of at work. All in all, not a bad day.

ok

I'm over my fit.
Things to look forward to:
-my brother's high school graduation
-figuring out this financial aid thing for school
-going shopping for work clothes
-paycheck tomorrow! (which I will probably spend on clothes)
-getting to see my grandparents because they're going to graduation with us
-driving to (near) Philly for brother's graduation- mom's actually going to let ME drive there! She'll be a very avid backseat driver, I'm sure.

life is just so

:( difficult.

And I don't want to blog about it, because this blog is turning into a horrible whiney thing. And while you may say you don't care that this is actually about me just whining all the time, why would you really want to read that? And so I'm not doing it anymore unless I really need to. After this.

And I can't talk to anyone about it, because there's not one specific thing and to just vent to someone would either be me talking their ear off or not knowing where to start. And I know they say talking helps sometimes, but it won't actually fix the problems, they're not emotional things or things that have a solution, they're actual problems that can't be solved, that nothing short of changing events of a few years ago and/or a magic wand could fix. And since I don't see either of those solutions happening, what's the point in whining about it?

And so I just spend my days pretending nothing's wrong.
Yea sure, I'm ok.
Why wouldn't I be?
I'm fine...
As long as I can pretend...
As long as I don't think...
I don't want to...
I can't...
Don't make me...
It hurts too much.

oh yea...

I forgot to mention, I'm posting the schedule of my work week here: where's heather?

'Just let me know...'

Blah blah blah. Work work work. I worked 2 days of 9 hour shifts, and the 2nd day (yesterday) I only had 1 hour lunch break and about a 5 minute break (half an hour before I left for the day) because we were so busy. We're understaffed and over-customered. I like being busy, but when I'm running the jewelry counter and taking care of customers that want to see this necklace or that bracelet- and I have to stay with them while they decide if they want it or not and put it back in the case if they don't- AND take care of customers that need to purchase regular items, it gets way too hectic.
And my legs! Well, my thighs specifically. The locks for the cases are close to the floor, so all day I'm like squatting down to lock/unlock the cases and my legs are really getting a workout out of it! Yesterday and all day today my legs hurt whenever I had to move.

Oh, and my brother and sister are sick. The flu or whatever it is that is going around. And when I went in for medicine the checkout girl said "aww who's sick?" and I said my brother and sister and then she said "oh so you'll be in here tomorrow getting medicine for yourself" haha. It'll probably come true, so it's not funny. I don't need to get sick now, I have a job! I had a month+ when I could have gotten sick and it would have been convenient. Sheesh. I'm taking Vitamin C drops so hopefully that helps ward off the germs. Yuck.

I got it

Got the job. Now I'm going to be a cashier and/or at the jewelry counter. Which is kinda cool, cause they only put "dependable" people there that they know they can trust. The 'interview' was actually really easy. The whole process was, really. I walk in to the store and go to the service desk to tell them I have an interview and the one manager was right there, and she gives me a huge smile and says welcome back heather! and shakes my hand. And then she said follow me back and we'll get the paperwork stuff done. So she takes me back to the office, and I meet another manager (of some other division, i forget what) that is new since I worked there last year (and she's extremely nice and funny, if you were wondering). I filled out the survey thing, it's like 56 questions on how you would react in certain situations. And then they were debating on putting my scores into the computer or not, because they were worried I might fail this test/survey since my answers were so different from the last time I took it (and I passed it last time). But, after a few minutes of making me nervous, it was found out that... I got a 95!! The managers were like Heather, 95! NOBODY gets a 95 ever! And then one of them said how it was almost perfect this time, and last time I only got like a 50something. I just laughed and said I hope I would have gotten smarter at it since i worked there almost a year...
And then I had my schedule drawn up, and that's about it. For those curious, I work mainly mornings/afternoons this week, and I asked that be switched around to nights next week since I like working nightshift more (it's more fun and relaxed- shh!). She said that since nobody likes working nights she thought she was being nice by giving me days, and here I want nights. So she said no problem next week it'll be switched around so I work nights (we'll see about that, she tends to say one thing and then not do it). My schedule this week:
Tues: 11-5 on register
Weds: 10-2 in Jewelry
Thurs: day off
Fri: 1-10 Jewelry
Sat: 9-5 Jewelry
-----------------
25 hours total working + 1 hour lunch break every day I'm there 8+ hours (but I don't get paid for lunch)

So my week is going to be filled with trying to remember how to run register again (I'm getting an overview tomorrow, I'll only be on register then and I'll be near the service desk in case I need help since Im not getting training again on it) and also learning how to handle the jewelry counter. Jewelry might be difficult, because I'll be working with someone that LOVES gossip and is the complete opposite of me in every way, and also cause they tend to be fussy at the jewelry counter when deciding what goes where and etc. with displays and packing up. But who knows, it might be fun.

and so, it starts again

Wish me (good) luck, please! This Monday at noon I have an interview to be a cashier again. I have about 7 or 8 weeks left to work before its time to get ready for college again.

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. - Logan Pearsall Smith

I'd forgotten how much I love to read for fun. I recieved a letter from my (former) roomate, and in it she mentioned how I'm probably already on my 3rd book of the summer... and then I realized that no, I hadn't even picked up a book for fun even once this summer. Past years I've read 400+ books in a year, but this year (not including those read for school) I probably didn't even get anywhere past 50. I just... I don't know, forgot how I feel when I'm reading I guess. A few days ago I picked up one of those 3-stories-in-1 books to get myself started again, and I finished each story in a matter of a couple hours. And I loved every minute of it. I loved how I would start reading and reading, and what seemed like minutes later, I was finished the story. And it ends exactly the way I want it to. It has to. If its a new book, I read a chapter, then skip ahead to the last chapter and read that. And if it doesn't end with 'A' falling in love with 'B', I discontinue reading. Books are supposed to be a fantasy, a means of escape. Well, my fantasy has to have a happy ending.
That's why I read 'stupid trashy' romance novels. They're quick easy reads, mindless, funny, and they indulge my romantic side. They make me smile. There's been a lot of times where I'll be upset and just start reading, and someone will walk in the room to find me smiling over something corny the 'hero' (or whoever) just said. They make me happy, as books are supposed to.
I've been reading since before kindergarden, with a few breaks here and there when I forgot how much I enjoy making time for it. I'm happy to say, that I will be making time for it every day now, no matter how busy I am with school/job/life. It's so worth it.

yuck

I hate it when I think of a topic that I want to blog about, and then by the time I log into blogger etc, I forget the topic that surely would have had everyone enthralled and professing their undying devotion to everything heather... (ok, so I may be a tad extreme there, but you get the point) had I just remembered it.

I hate when that happens.

Oh, and on a non-hating note, thanks for all the support through my annoying depressed posts, especially thankyou to Ian who left me such a lovely comment :) (and funny too, how did I get there twice??)

Dear 'friend'...

I can talk and talk. And listen. And I actually pay attention. For the moment. And then when it's all over and we're through talking I wonder what was actually said. Afterwards I just feel empty, and I wonder why I even bother. What's the point in talking, in listening, if I just feel empty afterwards? Like that conversation was meaningless, like I just wasted all that time? But I don't want to feel like this. We're friends. Friends should get something out of talking, shouldn't they? It shouldn't feel like you're just shallow friends, the type that only talk about things to fill the silence and don't really care. Except I do care. I think. I want to. But I also want to feel cared about in return. And I don't.
I just feel so empty.